


Triple Threat: Chaotix Misadventures

by MakutaMatata



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Comic Relief, F/M, Not Serious, charmy has a multitude of father figures, espio is a dweeb, slight mischaracterization and exaggeration of characteristics for the sake of humor, sonamy - Freeform, sonespio but theyre friends, vector breaks the law very often
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24192478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakutaMatata/pseuds/MakutaMatata
Summary: A series of short, vaguely connected Chaotix anecdotes exploring their daily lives.Special thanks to my friend Chris for helping me come up with some of these scenarios!
Relationships: Amy Rose/Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	1. Ethical Quandary of the Id and Ego

“Life is quite the fickle thing. One moment, you may be on top of the world, feeling pride and confidence in the person you have become or what you have achieved, and before you know it you could be at one of the worst points in your life. Similarly, in interpersonal relationships there is a thin line that one must walk between needing distance and wanting constant attention. This could be construed as the balance between id and ego, or the balance between satisfying basic needs and pandering to the sense of self. This concept carries to daily life as well, where one must walk the turbulent path of balancing their pride and desire. An example could be an aggravating situation, in which one would wish to yell and break something, thus unleashing their anger, however their pride prevents them from doing so. Another could be when the clerk at your favorite sandwich restaurant keeps messing up your order, much to your dissatisfaction, and you want nothing more than to give the person behind the counter a piece of your ever so displeased mind, but your desire to be kind and understanding with food service workers that are already under severe amounts of stress overpowers. This is the fourth time in a row. I keep ordering a basic turkey melt, and somehow the person making my sandwich keeps forgetting the cheese. It is the most basic of the basics when it comes to melts. How could one forget that? This is purely hypothetical of course, and is in no way related to my life. But in this hypothetical scenario, one would imagine that the person making the sandwich would at the very least understand the basics of what it means to prepare it. If they were to forget something smaller and of less importance, such as a slice of tomato, it would be far more understandable, or if they were to forget such an important thing only once. But four times? It is far too infeasible to think that this person has simply forgotten the cheese all four times. Either they are chronically forgetful, or this person simply does not know how to make a turkey melt. Perhaps it is a purposeful gesture with malicious intent behind it? But to point it out would solely bring yet even more unncessary strife. But what could that sandwich shop possibly have against me- er, I mean, this hypothetical person? This person is their most loyal customer! I think we can safely rule out that possibility. Now, this brings up the ethical dilemma: does the one ordering the sandwich point out the mistake? After all, this hypothetical person allowed it to slide the first time, played it off as a coincidence the second, by the third was questioning their own memory as to whether or not they ordered the correct thing, and by the fourth time had realized that it was a mistake on the part of the person preparing the sandwich, but by that point pointing it out would have meant admitting that said person did not point out the mistake the first four times. This could invalidate their credibility. So, I implore you, what should be done in this ethical dilemma? Simply telling the sandwich maker after the fifth time would not only be admitting one’s own faults and negligence, which could be seen as on par with that of the one making the sandwich, whereas not saying anything would allow the pattern to continue. And, in this hypothetical situation, placing a different order is infeasible. The one ordering _really_ enjoys turkey melts and would not have it any other way. Faced with this moral dilemma, one is presented with the conflict between the id, which is symbolized by the basic needs of wanting their order to be correct, and the ego, which is represented by the desire to not admit one’s mistakes which could be seen as on the same level as the one being accused of making a mistake. Thus, the duality of man. What are your thoughts on the matter?”

On the other end of the phone line, Sonic the Hedgehog was thoroughly exasperated. “Espio, it’s 3 in the morning. Go to bed, dude.”

The blue hedgehog hung up. Espio's vexation grew, his moral dilemma still unresolved. He tapped Knuckles’ name and raised his phone back to his ear.

It was going to be a long night. 


	2. A Haunting

Finally, it was Friday evening at the Chaotix Detective Agency. Vector entered his office and sat down heavily at his desk. 

“Man, what a week,” he complained to himself out loud. “So many cases.”

The Chaotix leader thought back to the three cases they had that week. Two of them were helping Big the Cat find Froggy, but he always paid them handsomely. The Chaotix had a policy to never turn down work that pays, and Vector wasn’t about to make an exception to the rule for his friend. Where Big got the money, though, Vector hadn’t the slightest clue. The guy was loaded. 

Their final case was something a little more legitimate. Some guy in the city had learned that his wife was sneaking out during the evenings, and suspected that she was cheating. He wanted proof before he accused her of anything. After some investigating, the gang of detectives found that she wasn't cheating after all. She just got some weird kick out of going to stores minutes before they closed and acting like she was going to buy something to keep the employees at the store way past its designated closing time. Some people are just sick and twisted, but unfortunately lingering at a Best Buy for too long isn’t considered a crime. 

“Guess I’d better get the boys’ pay sorted out for the week,” Vector said to himself again. He switched on the small lamp at his desk. The corners of the room were dark, and he couldn’t see much past the spotlight that the lamp cast. 

“If we were makin’ more money, the first thing I’d do is hire a secretary,” he grumbled. “Maybe Vanilla…”

His thoughts began to wander for a moment before he shook his head vigorously and snapped back to reality. 

“Ugh, gotta focus,” he muttered. “Let’s see. Espio and Charmy always get the basic pay, of course. Espio definitely deserves a bonus this week, since he was the one who followed that lady into Best Buy n’ all. Got yelled at by the manager, too. He also found Froggy one of those times. As for Charmy, well he and I found Froggy together, so I guess we both get the basic pay this week. Not like the agency could afford anythin’ more anyway…”

Suddenly, a chill shot down Vector’s spine. He shuddered. Nothing had tipped him off, but his detective’s intuition told him that something was amiss. His eyes scanned the darkness around him. Someone or something was there with him, and it was not a friendly presence. The very air felt hostile. His breathing quickened, and his heart threatened to burst out of his chest. 

“H-hello?” he stammered, calling out into the darkness. 

Terror washed over him as he jumped to his feet and backed himself into the wall behind his desk.

The light began to flicker on and off. In the fleeting moments that Vector was left in the pitch darkness, his senses were on high alert. He had no idea who or what was in the room with him, but he felt certain it held some malevolent will towards him. It wasn’t something he could rationalize, but rather a gut feeling. The crocodile’s hands quivered as he called out into the darkness once again. 

“W-who’s there?” he cried out. His hope was that his fear would not seep into his voice, but alas anyone listening would have noticed the apprehension and dread gripping his every word. 

“Ooooooooo,” a voice moaned. Somehow, it seemed both distant and right next to him at the same time. 

Vector wheeled around, searching frantically for the source. All that greeted his eyes was more darkness. He wanted nothing more than to go power on the lights, but sheer terror kept him rooted to the spot he was standing in. 

“Oooooooooo,” the moan continued. 

“Show yourself!” Vector commanded. 

“Veeeeeeector,” the eerie voice continued. 

The green crocodile’s heart jumped to his throat. 

“W-how do you know my name?” Vector stuttered. “What do you want from me?”

“I am a ghoooooost!” the voice replied, seemingly disembodied as it echoed from every corner of the room. “Yoooooou will do as I tell you.”

A bead of sweat dripped down Vector’s forehead. He nodded, even though he wasn’t sure if the ghost could see him. 

“Yeah, okay,” he breathed. “Please, don't haunt me. Whadda ya want me to do?”

The ghost was silent for a moment. The building anticipation and uncertainty threatened to overwhelm Vector. Finally, the voice spoke. 

“Giiiiive Charmy Bee a boooooonus for this week,” the ghost told him. 

It finally dawned on Vector what was happening. How could he have been so stupid? It should have been obvious from the start.

“Are you my conscience?” he hesitantly asked. 

“What? No! I mean, uh, yeeeeeees,” replied the ghostly voice, “I am your coooooonscience, and also a veeeeery scaaaaary ghooooost. If you do not do as I say, I will haaaaaunt you forever!”

Vector yelped with fear. The last thing he wanted was a mixture of his guilty conscience hanging over him and to be haunted by a sinister spirit forever. He quickly ran up to his desk and pencilled in a hefty bonus on Charmy’s check that the agency definitely couldn’t afford. How they’d make up for it, Vector wasn’t sure, but that was far from his mind right then. As soon as he finished scribbling on the check, he tossed the pen and bolted out of the room, his eyes wide with terror like he had seen a ghost. The door slammed shut behind him. 

After Vector’s sudden departure, there was a moment of silence in the office. Then, the main light in the room flicked on to reveal none other than Charmy Bee crouched in the once-shrouded corner. In one hand, he held a dollar store voice changer, and in the other was the cord for the lamp sitting on Vector’s desk. 

A mischievous smile spread across his face and he snickered to himself. 

“Score!” he said as he buzzed onto the desk and snatched up his hefty check. “Aw man, I can’t believe he fell for that.

Soon, the tiny bee buzzed out the opened window with his hard-earned spoils, leaving no trace that he had ever been there. His only regret was that he’d never be able to tease Vector about it. 


	3. Vector Gets Audited

A loud crash rang through the once still office of the Chaotix Detective Agency, startling Charmy Bee enough to send him reeling into the air. Moments later, Vector the Crocodile stormed through the front door, clearly panicked about something. 

“Vector!” Charmy hooted. “Knock next time! I almost dropped my waffles!”

The young bee dramatically pointed at the plate of waffles he was carrying. 

Vector, however, didn’t seem to care. 

“Where’s Espio?” he cried. Charmy simply shrugged in response. 

“Right here, boss,” said the disembodied voice of Espio from somewhere nearby. Vector yelped as Espio became visible right beside him. 

He ran into the center of the room, his eyes wide frantic. 

“Okay, boys, this is urgent!” Vector announced. “The tax auditor is on the way here right now! I completely forgot this was happenin' today, but we need to get everything sorted out right now!”

“What!?” Espio growled. “How could you forget something so important?”

“I’ve been busy!” retorted Vector. “Now go shred those incriminatin’ documents I told ya about!”

“Roger that,” Espio said with a not-so-subtle eye roll. 

Nearby, Charmy was still munching on his waffles, excitedly watching the scene unfold before him. 

“Oh boy, a tax auditor!” Charmy exclaimed. “We’re gonna get audited!”

“Ya don’t even know what an audit is!” Vector said, aggressively approaching the bee. 

Charmy enthusiastically shook his head. “Nope, not a clue!”

Vector sighed and lowered his voice. “Do ya understand how many hoops I had to jump through to allow a kid as young as you to work here? Let’s just say it’s... not strictly legal, technically speaking.”

Charmy grinned. “Hoops? You mean like in basketball!”

The green crocodile groaned and snatched the waffles off of Charmy’s plate, stuffing them all into his mouth in one bite. 

“Hey!” Charmy yelled indignantly. “My waffles!”

"You can get more later," Vector retorted. "This is urgent."

He leaned forward and grabbed Charmy in one hand. The bee was small enough that Vector could easily drag him around with little effort. 

“Hey, let me go!” Charmy said, trying to kick and wiggle his way out of Vector’s grip.

Vector held Charmy directly in front of his face. “Listen here, Charmy. Stay in this closet until the auditor leaves. If they learn that you’re employed here, we’re toast! Understand? Not a peep outta you.”

Charmy felt that was way too much to ask of him, but he could see how serious Vector was. With a nod of Charmy’s tiny head, he was unceremoniously tossed into the broom closet. 

“It would be a miracle if this works,” Espio said. Vector turned to see the purple chameleon approaching him. 

“Espio,” he said. “Everything taken care of?”

“See for yourself,” replied Espio. He gestured behind him at the pile of papers that was no longer present on Vector’s desk. It looked remarkably clean if he did say so himself. Almost unnaturally tidy.

“You work fast, pal,” Vector replied with a thumbs up. 

“As always,” Espio replied flatly. “Let’s just get this over with. Judge Judy is on soon and I absolutely cannot miss today's episode.”

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Espio and Vector exchanged an apprehensive glance. Vector gulped. After what felt like an eternity, Espio stepped forward and opened the door. Like flipping a switch, Vector put on his customer service face. 

“Welcome to Chaotix Detective Agency! We’ve been expecting y-”

The words got caught in his throat as it finally registered who was standing in the doorway. The figure was short and serious with black fur and spiked-up quills. It was Shadow the Hedgehog.

“Shadow!” Vector cried out in relief. “What are you doing here? We were expecting a tax auditor, to tell the truth, so maybe this is a bad time-”

Shadow cut him off abruptly. “I am the tax auditor.”

Espio and Vector exchanged a confused glance. 

“W-wait, what?” stammered Vector.

“Since when were you a tax auditor?” Espio asked. 

“It’s a fairly recent development,” Shadow replied with the slightest hint of a smile. “I work for the IRS now.”

“How’d that happen?” Espio followed up.

“It would seem that GUN confused me for my Spanish-speaking cousin, Shadow L. Hedgehog,” Shadow replied. “I didn’t care enough to correct them, so now I work for the government.”

“Didn’t see that one comin’,” Vector muttered to himself. 

“The job does have it’s… benefits,” the unusually chatty hedgehog continued. “I get free access to that sub shop down the street, after all.”

Espio’s eyes narrowed. “That’s the one that keeps messing up my order.”

Nobody seemed to hear him. 

“Well, why don’t ya come in, pal?” Vector said. 

Shadow obeyed and entered the agency, standing awkwardly in the center of the room and surveying his surroundings. 

“Remarkably tidy,” he observed, producing a clipboard and a pen from an unknown location and putting a pair of reading glasses on. “Say, isn’t there normally one more of you guys?”

There was a loud rustle from the closet. Charmy was practically vibrating with excitement, and he simply could not hold himself back anymore. 

“Shadow!” he cried, shooting out of the closet like a bullet and barreling into Shadow. Vector looked beyond exasperated and Espio simply shook his head as Charmy latched onto Shadow’s head like an excited facehugger. 

“We’re doomed,” Vector muttered as Shadow scribbled something on his clipboard. 

__________

After about an hour, Shadow concluded his tax audit of the Chaotix Detective Agency. Vector, Espio, and Charmy all waited nearby with baited breaths for the results. They were almost certain that they failed the inspection. With such short notice, there’s no way they could have gotten everything. But Shadow would never shut down his friends’ detective agency… would he?

The black hedgehog adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. 

“Congratulations, you’ve passed the inspection,” he said. He scribbled something at the bottom of the sheet and tore it off. 

“We did?” Vector asked in disbelief, snatching the paper out of Shadow’s hands and frantically reading it over. “I mean, uh, of course we did! We’re just a normal, law-abiding detective agency. No tax evasion goin’ on here!”

Espio was so exasperated that all he could do was shake his head again. 

“Well, if that’ll be all, I’ll be on my way,” Shadow said, already making for the door. 

“Wait!” Charmy cried. “Won’t you hang around and play with me for a little while? I got a pretty hefty bonus in my last paycheck, so I got that new videogame everyone’s been talking about!”

Shadow stopped in his tracks and partially turned around. “Under normal circumstances, I would consider your offer. However, I am on the clock right now. Maybe another time, Charmy.”

“Eheh, yep, definitely some other time!” Vector nervously babbled as he practically shooed Shadow out the door before the black hedgehog could say he forgot to check something. “Say bye to mister tax auditor, guys!”

Espio and Charmy mumbled a feeble goodbye before Vector slammed the door behind their brooding friend. As soon as the door was shut, Vector sighed and slumped against the wall. 

“Phew,” he sighed. “That went well, eh boys?”

Espio and Charmy exchanged an exasperated shrug. 

“Guess we won’t be seeing Shadow any time soon, huh Espio?” Charmy whispered to his ninja companion. 

“As long as he works for the IRS, I can’t imagine Vector will allow him anywhere near here,” replied Espio. 

“So what’s what an audit is,” Charmy observed. “Man, tax evasion sure is fun!”


	4. Espio Violates The Geneva Convention

A lone bead of sweat trickled down Espio’s forehead. His breathing was shallow and controlled as he pressed his back against the sturdy wall of his fort. The barrage had stopped, if only temporarily. The air fell still once more. Only the soft rustle of the passing breeze could be heard, but the sounds of warfare still rang in Espio’s ear like the toll of a bell. 

The coast seemed clear. The ninja could not sense anyone on the other side of the wall. Had hostile movement from the opponent ceased? Could this grueling conflict finally come to an end? Tightening his grip on his weapon, Espio decided to take a chance. He cautiously poked his head through the bastion he had built in his fort, hoping to catch a glimpse of the enemy. His eyes scanned the landscape in front of him. Nothing out of the ordinary. Enemy lines seemed more still than ever before. Not a soul was to be seen. 

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he heard it. Gunfire! Even with his honed ninja reflexes, Espio did not have time to dodge. Time seemed to slow down as he heard the sound of a bullet whizzing by his hear, the sound of his time very nearly coming to an end. Close call. Before his enemy could reload, he hit the deck. 

No more shots rang out in the night. Espio breathed a sigh of relief. He rolled over onto his back and sat up, taking care to not expose himself through the few holes in his nigh impenetrable fortress. The bullet that was fired at him now caught his attention. He examined it a little further. 

_A nerf dart, eh?_ He thought. _The same type I’m using, at that. As is to be expected. This is a nerf war, after all._

Espio tucked the bullet away into his munitions stash. Every time his opponent, Charmy Bee, fired a dart at him, he would keep it and not fire it back. Waging a war of attrition was a surefire strategy to bring down his opponent, slowly but surely. Looking at how full the box was getting, Espio felt that perhaps the time to fight back was drawing near. 

The chameleon glanced around the pillow fort he had built for defense, against the opposite wall of the office from Charmy’s. There were scarcely any holes. His handiwork made him swell with pride as he admired the fact that Charmy’s offense would never topple his ironclad defenses. 

Speaking of Charmy, it was finally time to launch a counter-offensive. He hoisted his nerf gun. It was a single-shot blaster, but one shot was all he needed to finish off his foe. He picked up the dart that Charmy had fired at him mere moments ago and stuffed it down the barrel of the gun. Carefully, Espio cocked his weapon. There could be no slip-ups. It was finally time to end this conflict once and for all. Charmy may be small and elusive, but those natural attributes did not give him an advantage over one who had trained for this their whole life. At least, Espio liked to think that. 

Gripping the blaster, Espio poked his head through the bastion once more. This time, he was not immediately fired upon. Perhaps Charmy had finally run out of ammo? Or maybe the bee simply hadn’t seen him yet. Either way, Espio decided to press his advantage.

His keen eyes scanned the perimeter of Charmy’s pillow fort, which was far larger than his but not nearly as well built. Something was amiss, though. The bee was nowhere to be seen. Surely he was not so stealthy that he had learned to evade Espio’s gaze.

That was when something caught Espio’s attention. A flash of green behind enemy lines. His eyes narrowed. Was that… Vector? 

Espio’s suspicions were soon proved correct when he saw Vector crawl from the tiny exit to Fort Charmy. 

_So, Vector is an agent of the enemy,_ thought Espio. _And still no sign of Charmy himself. This has to be a deliberate ploy on Charmys part. I think Vector and I need to have a little chat._

Steeling himself, Espio poised himself to attack near the exit to his fort. He watched as Vector rose to his full height and glanced around the room, shaking his head in vague paternal disappointment. 

_Just a little closer,_ Espio thought. 

Finally, Vector glanced in the direction of Espio’s fort. This was exactly the chance that Espio had been waiting for. Vector took one step towards Fort Espio, and then another. Before the croc could take another step forward, he felt a powerful arm wrap around his neck. A cry escaped from Vector’s mouth, but another hand quickly silenced him. His legs suddenly gave out below him, and he felt himself being dragged. If this story was being told from Vector’s perspective, his thoughts would have been filled with confusion, panic, and exasperation. But this is Espio’s story.

The arm around Vector’s scaly neck loosened and he slid to the ground gasping for breath. It took him a moment to regain his bearings. It only took a quick glance for him to know that he was inside of Espio’s fort. He let out a long sigh. 

Espio stood over his prisoner of war, contemplating what to do next. A simple interrogation should suffice, but there was no guarantee that Vector would spill his ally’s secrets so readily. He decided that a more direct approach would be necessary. 

The tip of Espio’s blaster was pressed directly against the back of Vector’s head as he lay face down on the ground. 

“Hands where I can see them, Vector,” Espio commanded. 

Vector did not comply. 

“Dude, seriously?” Vector asked, clearly exasperated. “I know full well that's just a nerf gun."

Faster than the eye could see, Espio’s blaster flashed. A dart fired at close range ricocheted off the back of Vector’s knee and fell to the ground nearby. 

“Um… ow?” Vector said hesitantly. 

“Hands, Vector,” Espio demanded once again, his blaster already loaded. 

“Geez, okay,” replied Vector, placing his hands behind his head. Espio forcefully pressed the gun to Vector’s back. 

“I know you’re an agent for Charmy,” Espio continued. “Tell me what it is you two were planning to do, unless you wish to lose your other knee.”

“What the heck, man!” Vector replied. “I’m not an agent for Charmy! I’m not even a part of this nerf war! Will ya please let me go now?”

Espio pressed the gun into Vector’s back even harder, now pinning him to the ground.

“Not a very convincing lie, Vector,” he replied. “I saw you crawling out of Fort Charmy less than a minute ago. So I’ll ask you again, what are you two planning?”

“I swear, I don’t know anythin’!” replied Vector. “I was just in there askin’ what he wanted for takeout! It’s almost dinner time.”

Vector shook the takeout menu that he was still grasping behind his head. Espio’s eyes widened when he saw the turkey melt was circled. A wave of terror washed over him, and he swallowed hard. 

He snapped out of it in a moment. There were far more important things to focus on at that moment. 

“So… you’re a civilian?” Espio asked. “A neutral bystander?”

“Yeah, I am,” Vector replied. “And this is a violation of both the third and fourth articles of the Geneva Convention! You’re a war criminal in the eyes of the law, Espio.”

Realizing what he had done, Espio released his grip on Vector. The crocodile gasped for air as Espio leaned back and reflected on the monster he had become. He started fighting this war to combat Charmy’s dirty tricks and warfare, but could he really say that he held the moral high ground anymore? He had committed war crimes against both a civilian and prisoner of war. There was no going back now. He would have no choice but to turn himself in. The moment Charmy gained the moral high ground, he had lost the war. 

“Gotcha,” a voice whispered in his ear. 

Espio wheeled around. Hovering before him, inside of Fort Espio, was Charmy Bee, pointing his nerf gun directly at Espio’s forehead.

“Charmy?” the startled chameleon asked. “How…?”

Charmy smiled. “Vector was the perfect distraction! I just flew over here while you were interrogating him, and bam! That’s a W for Charmy.”

Slowly, Espio turned to face his former prisoner. Vector was now sitting back up, a wide, mischievous grin etched across his face. 

“You _were_ in on this!” Espio exclaimed. “I should have known.”

“Of course I was,” Vector replied. “I let ya take me prisoner, and I purposefully kept ya talkin’ to give Charmy some time to get over here and hold ya up! The show’s over, pal. Time to pack it up. We won.”

Espio’s head was spinning. He had no choice but to surrender. It was a daring plan on Charmy’s part, and he had to admit that he was impressed. But there was one thing Vector said, something far more pressing that stood at the forefront of his mind. 

_He said that he was actually working for Charmy_ , Espio thought. _And that he came here voluntarily, not as a prisoner. That means…_

Espio’s face lit up. “I’m not a war criminal! I didn’t violate any of the articles of the Geneva Convention.”

Charmy and Vector exchanged a confused glance. 

“Uh, I guess,” Charmy said, scratching the back of his head with his free hand. “But ya still lost the war.”

“From a moral standpoint, I have the high ground,” Espio retorted. “In war, armies and soldiers are remembered for the causes they fought for, not for how many opposing soldiers they killed.”

“But if it weren’t for my and Charmy’s plan, you totally woulda done all that for real!” Vector pointed out. “Isn’t it supposed to be the thought that counts? This kinda seems like a stretch, dude.”

“Plus they usually win the war in the end,” Charmy added. “You lost.”

Espio closed his eyes and chuckled under his breath. “Very well. If this is the end for me, then I die with dignity. History remembers not intentions and inferences, but the cause that was fought for. By those ends, I have emerged the victor. I fought well to preserve the honor of the battlefield, but in the end my skills were not enough to overcome the corruption taking hold of this once hallowed warground. Pull the trigger Charmy Bee, and claim your hollow victory. But know that though I may fall, so many others will rise to fill my shoes and finish what I-”

Espio didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence. He heard the sound of gunfire, and felt a nerf dart striking the back of his head. The virtuous chameleon crumpled to the ground, still very much alive. Thus ended the First Great Chaotix Office Nerf War. 

That’s right. The first. 


	5. The Butterfly Effect

“Nice place you’ve got here, Vex,” observed Sonic the Hedgehog, glancing around the interior of the Chaotix Detective Agency. 

To Vector and Charmy, Sonic seemed to have shown up completely unannounced with Amy Rose in tow. Unbeknownst to them, someone else had invited them over without their knowledge.

And, unbeknownst to everyone in attendance, there were larger mechanisms at work, all converging on that single point in time. 

“Uh, thanks Sonic,” replied Vector, wondering why Sonic was acting like he’d never visited the agency before. 

“Sonic, what's going on here?” Amy firmly asked from behind him. “You told me we were going on a date!”

“We will, Ames,” replied Sonic, waving his hand. “As soon as we’re done here.”

“But what are we even doing here?” she calmly followed up, glancing around the room in seeming wonder. 

Vector butted in. “I was kinda wonderin’ the same thing.”

“Ooooh, a date?” Charmy teasingly sang. “Sonic and Amy are in looooove! Sonic and Amy, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-”

“Knock it off, Charmy!” Vector cried, slapping his enormous hand over Charmy’s mouth. 

Sonic and Amy both blushed beet red and looked away. 

“Actually, I invited them,” a voice said from nearby. Relieved that someone had finally broken the awkward silence, Sonic looked up to see Espio approaching. 

“There ya are, dude!” Sonic exclaimed. 

Espio smiled. “It seems like you’re in a rush, so I’ll get straight to the point. You wanted to know what music we were listening to the other day, right?”

Sonic nodded. “Yeah, that stuff was my jam! It’s so relaxing and it gives you this nice feeling, too! A great blend of reggae and jazz. What was it called again?”

“It’s ska,” Espio replied, causing Vector, Charmy, and Amy to all groan loudly. Sonic and Espio ignored them. 

“Here’s an album from one of my favorite ska bands,” Espio continued, offering Sonic a CD. “You can borrow it.”

Amy vigorously slashed her hand in front of her throat and shook her head as if to tell Espio to rethink what he was about to subject her to, but Espio did not notice. 

“Whoa, thanks Espio!” Sonic replied excitedly. 

Before Sonic could so much as place a finger on the CD, the front door to the Chaotix Detective Agency was violently kicked down. When the cloud of dust settled, Silver the Hedgehog was left standing in the doorway, a determined look etched upon his face. 

“Sonic the Hedgehog!” he cried, dramatically pointing at Sonic. “Do _NOT_ take that CD.”

Sonic and Espio exchanged a confused and slightly worried glance. 

“Uh, hey Silver,” Sonic hesitantly replied. “Nice to see you too.”

“I’m serious, Sonic!” exclaimed Silver. “I have come from the future to stop you! Taking this CD will put into motion a chain of extremely unfortunate events that will snowball into the worst possible future imaginable!”

“The end of the world or something?” Sonic asked apprehensively. 

Silver shook his head. “No, even worse. It leads to you becoming an annoying ska fan.”

A stunned silence hung over the room.

“Oh gosh, anything but that,” Amy whispered to herself in shock. 

Slowly, Sonic withdrew his outstretched hand, which was still about to grab the ska CD in Espio’s hand. 

“Okay,” Sonic said carefully. “I guess you can hang onto it, Espio.”

“Not good enough!” Silver cried. He surged forward, sandwiching himself between Sonic and Espio and snatching the CD right out of Espio’s hand. 

“Hey!” Espio cried. “My CD!”

But it was too late. In one fluid motion, Silver tore the CD from its jewel case and cleanly snapped it in half. 

The purple chameleon’s astonishment quickly turned to indignancy as the scene unfolded in front of him, but even his ninja-like reflexes couldn’t help him. 

As quickly as it began, it ended. Silver slipped out the front door faster than anyone present ever thought he could move and disappeared, leaving his five extremely startled friends behind. 

“M-my ska CD…” Espio lamented, holding the two broken halves in his hands. 

Amy suddenly seemed to snap back to reality. “Well that was weird, but we really should be off, shouldn’t we Sonic?”

Sonic blinked. “But Amy, what about my music?”

“We have a date, Sonic,” she quickly replied with a nervous giggle. “Or did you forget? This can wait for another time.”

Amy grabbed Sonic’s arm and practically dragged him towards the door. 

“Or never, that would be preferable,” she added under her breath. 

“Do you at least want the MP3s?” Espio frantically asked Sonic as he and Amy made their escape. 

“No, he does not!” Amy hastily replied before Sonic could even get a word in. “Or did you want Silver to come back and delete those for you?”

“Yeah Espio,” added Vector nervously, “ya shouldn’t try to force this stuff.”

Charmy nodded in agreement. “You’re just causing Silver more stress in the future, you know!”

Sonic shrugged, finally breaking free of Amy’s grip. “Guess we’re outnumbered, Espio.”

Espio looked up from the shards of his broken CD. “You’re right. It seems this was not meant to be. Let’s stick to mumble rap next time.”

“Sounds like a plan!” Sonic enthusiastically replied as a look of sheer terror crossed the faces of Amy, Vector, and Charmy.

“Later, guys!” Sonic exclaimed with a wink as he walked out the door of his own volition. 

The horrified gaze of Amy met with Vector and Charmy’s for a moment as they realized what malevolence they may have unleashed unto the world. Then, she too exited the agency, closing the door behind her. 


	6. Charmy Becomes A Soundcloud Rapper

“Yo, my name is Charmy Bee;

And as you can see I really gotta pee;

It’s all cuz' I drank too much iced tea;

Who’s gonna watch me go? Hopefully nobody!”

“My name is Cream and I’m here to say;

I’m gonna be a rapper someday;

I’ve already been in an anime;

And this whole rap is an impressive display!”

“Espio, Vector, and Charmy Bee;

These guys form the Chaotix three;

When I’m with them I feel pure glee;

On this subject we can all agree!”

“Horses say neigh;

Humans say hey;

My mom is named Vanilla and-”

Cream the Rabbit was cut short by two loud knocks at the door to the Chaotix Detective Agency. She and Charmy exchanged an inquisitive glance, but said nothing. They had both promised Vector that they wouldn’t open the door for strangers while he was out. 

The person at the door must have known this, because there were two more knocks, this time followed by a gruff voice. 

“It’s Knuckles.”

Charmy breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Were you guys rapping just now?” Knuckles asked after Charmy let him in. 

Charmy and Cream both nodded enthusiastically. 

“We’re… um, what did you say it was called, Charmy?” asked Cream.

“We’re Soundcloud rappers!” Charmy finished. 

Knuckles chuckled smugly. “Lucky for you, the master of rap himself overheard you and has volunteered to give you guys some pointers.”

Charmy and Cream exchanged an excited glance. 

“That’s pretty awesome!” exclaimed Charmy, doing a backflip in midair. “So when’s this rap master gonna get here, Knuckles?”

The red echidna’s face contorted into an expression of anger. “It’s me! I’m the master of rap!”

A comical look of surprise crossed Charmy’s face.

“You’re the rap master, Mister Knuckles?” Cream asked politely. 

Knuckles’ expression softened when his gaze met Cream’s. Charmy was one thing, but how could he stay annoyed with Cream?

“Yep, that’s me!” he boasted. “I’ll have you know that I have 1,000 followers on my Soundcloud account.”

Charmy and Cream raised their eyebrows in awe. 

“One thousand?” Charmy exclaimed. “That’s so many! I didn’t even know that many numbers existed.”

“I definitely can’t count that high,” Cream agreed. “I’m very impressed, Mister Knuckles.”

“Just one question,” the hyperactive Bee added. “What are followers?”

Pride welled up in Knuckles. Finally, an opportunity to teach kids about his passion. There were few feelings that were better.

“Let me look at your account,” Knuckles replied. “I’ll show you.”

Charmy handed Knuckles the tablet that he and Cream were working off of, which already had their Soundcloud app open. 

“Alright, let’s see here…” Knuckles murmured to himself as he began scrolling through their profile to find their followers tab. 

The echidna turned around so that Charmy and Cream were looking over his shoulders at the tablet screen.

“So your followers will be shown right… here,” Knuckles said, pointing at the screen. 

His mind seemed to freeze up as he registered what he was seeing. It simply did not compute. 

“Whoa,” said Charmy. “That’s a lot of zeroes. Are those all the people that listen to our raps?”

Charmy was right. There were a lot of zeroes. But just how many, Knuckles’ mind refused to acknowledge. He lacked the capacity to comprehend. 

“I think I can count that,” Cream boasted. “We’ve been learning this in school! There’s… One… Two… Zero.... Zero… Zero… Zero! That’s one hundred and twenty thousand!”

“You’re so smart, Cream,” Charmy replied in awe. “Is that a lot?”

Cream nodded in glee. “I think so!”

“Maybe this is what Sonic meant when he told us we have clout,” Charmy told her. 

“Clout?” asked Cream. “What does that mean?”

Charmy shrugged. “Beats me! But it probably has something to do with these followers.”

“I’m glad that so many people love our music!” Cream commented. “It makes me really happy.”

Finally, Knuckles snapped out of his trance. 

“You guys think you’re pros now?” he asked, jealousy clearly seeping into his voice. 

“No,” Charmy and Cream replied in unison. 

Knuckles ignored them. “Well, you still have much to learn. It’s time Uncle Knuckles taught you how the big boys rap.”

“You’re our uncle?” Charmy asked, genuinely shocked. 

Once again, Knuckles ignored him.

“Rap battle,” he stated simply. “You two versus me. Let’s do this.”

“I’ll be the judge,” said Espio, suddenly appearing in their midst. Knuckles yelped in surprise. 

“Oh, hey Espio,” Charmy casually replied. Both he and Cream were very accustomed to the antics of their ninja friend.

“How long have you been here?” Knuckles demanded. 

Espio seemed confused. “I’ve been here this whole time.”

Knuckles shook his head. “Fine, whatever. Let’s just have this rap battle. Espio, you can be the judge.”

“Understood,” replied Espio with a nod. 

A few moments later, Espio returned with a boombox and queued up a sick beat. Where Cream and Charmy seemed to be giggling with excitement, Knuckles was stoically bobbing his head with his eyes shut, as if in a state of zen.

Finally, the red echidna started rapping. 

“K-N-U-C-K-L-E-S, yeah,

Was born for a lifetime

On Angel Island 

My duty's to protect

The Master Emerald diamond

Hold the climate

I’m searching for shinin'

But everytime I look for the sun, can't find it

Is this the way?

The path I chose?

Then why am I living with my heart so cold?

All that I see is a storm of stones.”

As soon as he ended, Charmy and Cream began their verse, with Charmy leading off. 

“Knuckles smells like fish;

Winning this battle? You wish.

An old fashioned beat-down is what we will dish

out, now Cream is gonna pick up my drish.”

“That’s not even a word,” muttered Knuckles as Cream began to rap. 

“Sorry Mister Knuckles, you’re going down!

We are here to steal your rap crown.

The two of us are the best rappers in town,

And losing this battle will make you frown.”

“Charmy and Cream, a world class duo,

And after this battle you are going to owe,

An ice cream, to us, cuz that’s the price for losing,

And seeing you lose is gonna be amusing.”

“Hey!” Knuckles protested. “I never said I’d buy you ice cream!”

“If you don’t want to buy them ice cream,” Espio said, “then you’ll have to win the rap battle.”

“The judge has spoken!” Charmy gleefully cried. 

Knuckles groaned and continued his rap.

“Echidonia, that's what I'm representing

Never seen a mic-hog spit like a menace

Wild Canyon fun, I gotta chase a bat, huh

Yeah, Rouge, she's sexy and smooth

A double cross spy thief that's out for my jewels, uh!

I'm feelin' her in mysterious ways

That's why I stay on point like, every single day

I gotta protect this place, I do it for my race, uh!”

Charmy and Creamy exchanged a glance and nodded with determination. Cream went first. 

“Echidonia this, echidonia that,

If you like Rouge so much then where’s she at?

She’s hanging from the roof because she’s a bat,

but whose roof is that, Blaze or Big the Cat?”

“A protector of the Emerald that’s not even there,

instead you’re losing here, trapped in a nightmare!

You tried to challenge us but you shoulda been aware,

you can’t say that s-word cuz it’s a swear.”

“The winner is Charmy and Cream,” Espio immediately declared. 

“Yeah!” Cream and Charmy cried out in glee, exchanging a high five. 

Knuckles was dumbstruck. 

“I… lost?” he muttered in disbelief. 

“Frankly, you got destroyed,” Espio said. “They took an offensive directly against you, whereas you just rapped about losing the Master Emerald again. It was hardly a battle; more like a one-sided attack.”

Knuckles shot him a disgruntled glare and he immediately shut up. 

“Alright, I get it, I lost,” he said to the two kids in front of him, who were now dancing around each other like children frolicking through a meadow. “Come on kids.”

Charmy looked confused as he and Cream stopped dancing. “Where are we going?”

Knuckles sighed, utterly defeated. “We’re getting some ice cream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics in this chapter are from "Unknown From M.E. (SA2 ver.)" and "Kick the Rock... for Wild Canyon"


	7. Espionage

“Huh, looks like no one’s home.”

Sonic the Hedgehog stood in the middle of the vacant Chaotix Detective Agency office, once again flanked by Amy Rose. It was a quiet day outside. Despite this, Sonic could not hear the slightest trace of movement from the room. 

“Weird that they left the door unlocked, though,” Sonic continued. He glanced behind him at the door, which still hung wide open. Out of respect for his friends’ home, he decided to close it. 

Amy seemed vaguely annoyed. “Sonic, why are we here AGAIN?”

Sonic turned and gave her an inquisitive look. 

“You brought me here last time we had a date, too,” Amy continued. “Did you already forget what happened? Silver broke down the door. Charmy spent an entire day fixing that lock.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sonic said. “Sorry Amy. I thought they’d be here. At least Espio.”

“Don’t tell me he was going to try to give you another CD,” Amy replied. 

Sonic’s eyes nervously shot to the door for any sign of Silver. 

“No, of course not,” he told her, very obviously lying. 

Amy sighed. “Sonic, are you just trying to stall going on our date?”

The blue hedgehog scratched the back of his head nervously. “Well, dates aren’t really my thing, remember?”

A downcast look crossed Amy’s face. “Yeah, I know. Sorry Sonic, I really shouldn’t be dragging you into situations you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe we shouldn’t have even tried dating to begin with. It just seems too good to be true.”

Sonic stepped forward, reaching out and gingerly taking both of Amy’s hands in his own. 

“Hey, cheer up!” he told her with a bright grin. “We’re together right now, aren’t we? Why can’t this be part of the date?”

Amy glanced around the Chaotix office. The drab gray carpet, worn out couch, and musty smell weren’t doing the place any favors. 

“I wouldn’t say this is an ideal date setting,” Amy muttered. 

“Didn’t you tell me the other day that a date is just spending time together?” Sonic asked her, wagging his finger in front of her. “Well, that’s what we’re doing now, isn’t it?"

She looked back into Sonic’s eyes, which were twinkling in the light streaming through the window. It was obvious that he was being extremely genuine with her. This was a rare occasion. The fastest thing alive almost never showed his emotion this clearly. Even Amy had trouble telling what he was thinking sometimes. The only time he ever did was in casual situations, ones where the two of them ran into each other on accident or when they were just hanging out doing nothing. 

Then it finally hit her. 

“Sonic, are you more comfortable on dates like this?” she asked. “Just hanging out, chatting, and exploring rather than going to a fancy restaurant or a movie?”

Sonic didn’t say anything in response. He blushed and looked away sheepishly. 

A soft smile crept onto Amy’s face. 

“I knew it,” she said gently. 

Sonic laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. “You got me, Amy. Hey, I love spending time with you. I know you prefer those fancy dates, but they aren’t really my scene. Just hanging out like this is so much more fun, ya know? I feel like I can be myself.”

Amy moved in closer, her eyelids fluttering. 

“Any time I get to spend with you is time that I cherish,” she told him. “No matter what we’re doing.”

The two hedgehogs leaned in, their lips meeting in the middle. Sonic released Amy’s hands and wrapped his arms around her back, tenderly embracing her. He seemed to fall into it, being startled at first but quickly giving into his desires. 

After a few moments, they slowly pulled apart, still cradling each other in their arms. As Amy gazed up at Sonic, she could see his emotional walls starting to come down, bit by bit. 

Amy giggled softly. “Looks like this’ll work after all.”

Sonic couldn’t help but smile as he blushed red as an echidna. Finally, he released Amy, taking a step back glancing around the room. 

“Well, what now?” Sonic casually asked. “We’ve got the whole day ahead of us.”

“Wanna wander around town?” suggested Amy. “After that, maybe we can head back to my place and hang out for a bit.”

Sonic shot her one of his signature thumbs up and grinned. “Now you’re speakin’ my language!”

Hand in hand, the two of them exited the Chaotix Detective Agency. 

“Maybe we should lock the door behind us,” Sonic said. 

“Nah, leave it open,” Amy replied. “Vector needs to be taught a lesson about home security.”

Sonic shrugged, and the two of them exited the agency, closing the door behind them. All was silent and still in the agency for a few moments. 

Espio flickered back into visibility, still pressed up against the wall mere inches away from where Sonic and Amy had been moments ago. His eyes were wide and traumatized. 

“When I became a ninja, I vower to use my power only for good,” he said to himself. “But now, due an unfortunate happenstance caused by the overuse of my own abilities, I have become privy to forbidden intimate knowledge that I should never have learned. Perhaps this is my punishment for becoming drunk on power. Forgive me, for I have forsaken my very order and practice. I simply hope this does not come back to bite me.”


	8. Kit

“I’ve seen this happening all over the city. I don’t know who’s doing this, or why, or how. Well, I know how. But why? Could this be some new enemy of mine? A crazy doctor and his army of very angry robots are bad enough, but now I have to worry about graffiti artists too?”

In a dark alleyway not too far removed from the hustle and bustle of the city streets, Sonic the Hedgehog stood facing one of the walls with distress in his eyes. He was flanked by Vector, with Tails, Espio, and Charmy behind them. The five of them surveyed a freshly painted piece of graffiti emblazoned on the wall before them. A old tagger was back in action. Seemingly overnight, walls all over the city were hit, mostly in back alleys, seemingly targeting Sonic himself. 

Nobody knew who was painting these tags, and nobody had seen their face either. One thing was for sure: Sonic did not like them. 

“Calm down, Sonic,” Tails chimed in. “We don’t even know who did this! It could all just be a misunderstanding.”

“A misunderstanding?” Sonic repeated, turning to face his friend. “It says “Sonic Sux”! This is clearly a targeted attack on me!”

Sure enough, the abstract graffiti tag did indeed say “Sonic Sux”. Sonic was so bothered by it that he hired the Chaotix to find out who was behind it. Vector wasn’t sure if it was because Sonic was actually worried about having a new enemy, or if it was his ego. Either way, Sonic paid them in advance, so they were on the case. Plus, how could they say no to Sonic the Hedgehog?

Tails lowered his voice to a whisper. 

“Vector, think you guys can help?” Tails asked. “I don’t think Sonic can take this for much longer.”

Vector looked back at Sonic, who was clearly very bothered. 

“Not to worry,” Vector whispered to Tails. “The Chaotix Detective Agency is on the case!”

“I can’t help but wonder,” Espio chimed in. “What could be causing Sonic to act this way? Normally he wouldn’t be so up in arms about something like this.”

Tails shook his head. “I’m not sure. He’s been a little touchy the past few days. Seems like he’s just in one of his moods.”

“Maybe we should get Amy to calm him down,” Vector thought out loud. “They seem closer than usual, if ya know what I mean.”

Tails shook his head once again. “She’s out of town this week. Something about a baking convention on the other side of the country. Not the best timing, but maybe that’s why Sonic’s been acting so weird to begin with.”

Espio bit his tongue, careful to not spill any forbidden knowledge he had inadvertently acquired. 

“Alright!” Vector exclaimed at a normal volume once again. “We’ll handle this case, Sonic. Not to worry, we’ll track down whoever wrote this.”

“Sweet!” Sonic replied. “Thanks, guys.”

There was a moment of awkward silence. This was usually the part where the client would walk away and the detectives would get to work. But Sonic simply stood there, staring expectantly at Vector and smiling politely. Like the businessman he was, Vector mirrored Sonic’s smile. The silence seemed to drag on as Sonic and Vector maintained unblinking eye contact and waited uncomfortably for someone to make a move. 

“Uh-” Tails began. 

Espio cut him off, putting his arm in front of Tails.

“Let’s see how this plays out.”

The awkward silence continued for an hour. Sonic and Vector never broke each other’s gaze for even a moment. They simply smiled politely at one another, waiting for the other to speak up. Espio and Charmy intently watched them as if it were an engaging sports match, while Tails had already gone to the convenience store down the road to buy snacks twice. 

Finally, he had enough. 

“Can we get a move on already?!” Tails yelled, startling his five friends out of their trance. “I have stuff to do today, you know!”

Vector cleared his throat. “Er, right. Sonic, would you like to tag along?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Sonic excitedly replied. Tails rubbed his temples. 

___

“Look!” Charmy exclaimed. After the awkward silence ended, the five had decided to examine the now-dry graffiti more closely. It was Charmy who noticed the tagger’s signature first. 

“Kit?” Sonic asked, reading what Charmy was pointing to. “What’s that?”

“Probably the tagger’s name,” Espio suggested. 

“Their name?” Charmy asked. 

Espio nodded. “An alias would be a more accurate term. It’s an identity that a tagger uses, usually denoted by a signature or a unique graphic they paint. The tagger will paint it to show where they have been. A means of marking their territory, one may say.”

“That’s super cool!” Charmy replied. 

It wasn’t long before their first clue turned up. 

“Check it out, boys,” Vector announced. “A clue.”

The large crocodile towered over a tiny wad of paper on the ground a little ways away from the scene. It was tucked away, wedged between two trash bins, seemingly discarded like the garbage it was. Vector’s keen eyes knew better. 

“Vector, that’s a piece of trash,” Espio commented. 

A small smile cracked Vector’s face. It was for scenarios like this that he had decided to become a detective to begin with, and he lived for moments such as this where a sudden clarity dawns. 

“Take a closer look,” he replied, offering the balled up piece of trash to Espio. Charmy, Sonic, and Tails all gathered around him. 

It was a piece of paper, something like the wrapper for a sandwich shop, crumpled up into a ball. Crumbs and other leftover pieces of food littered it, most of it contained within. But something else caught Espio’s keen eyes. 

“Is that… paint?” he asked. 

Vector nodded. Indeed, there were trace amounts of paint on the discarded wrapper. It matched the color of paint that the graffiti tagger had used to paint their message.

“Maybe the culprit was eating this sandwich while they painted,” Tails suggested. 

“They could’ve also eaten it afterwards, and some of the paint that got on their hands also got on here,” Sonic added. 

“Astute observations, both of ya,” Vector replied with a proud smirk.

“It doesn’t really matter which it was,” Espio replied. “What matters is that it was once in the hands of our culprit.”

Once again, Vector nodded. He turned to Charmy. 

“Charmy, can you figure out where the culprit got this sandwich from?”

“Aye aye, captain!” replied the cheerful bee. 

Without any protest, Charmy took the wrapper from Espio’s hands and flattened it out, breadcrumbs and pieces of vegetable falling all over the ground. 

Sonic leaned in close to Espio and whispered. “Can he really figure out where it’s from? There’s no logo on the wrapper or anything.”

“Never underestimate Charmy,” Espio replied. “He’s more skilled a tracker than most people would think. Plus he’s eaten at almost every restaurant in the city. If anyone can figure it out, it’s him.”

The group watched as Charmy got to work. He first examined the wrapper itself, taking note of its size and material. After a moment, he leaned in and gently sniffed it. His eyebrows furrowed as he regarded the wrapper with intrigue. Finally, he swooped to the ground and swept up the crumbs. He examined them in his hand for a moment. Finally he turned to Vector. 

“This was a cheese and vegetable sandwich from that sub shop in Station Square,” Charmy concluded. “The one Espio likes to go to!”

Espio felt the blood drain from his face. He most certainly did not like to go to that particular sub shop, but admitting it after all this time would only cause more problems than it was worth. 

“I know the one,” Vector said, nodding. “Great work, Charmy!”

Charmy shot his boss a hearty thumbs up. 

___

Soon, the three detectives and their two companions arrived at the sub shop in Station Square. Espio broke out in a cold sweat as he gazed at the storefront, which seemed to be mocking his very existence. 

The crowd entered the main door. Espio cautiously hung behind, nervously glancing around the restaurant. This place was his achilles heel, his one true weakness that brought out the worst in him. The once place that even the epitome of his ninja training could not help him overcome. 

“Hey Espio!” a cheerful voice called out from behind the counter. Espio’s head jerked up. It was the same clerk who kept messing up his order. 

Espio’s eyes narrowed, visible only to those with highly attuned senses. Thus, his face seemed to remain calm and collected for the remainder of the interaction. 

“Hello there,” Espio said flatly. 

“Hiya!” Vector said. “We’re friends of Espio’s! Sounds like you two are pretty tight, eh?”

“You bet we are,” Espio said, his voice beginning to waver. His face seemed to be shaking with rage. 

“What’s up with him?” Tails quietly asked Sonic. 

Sonic’s eyes widened as the memories of sitting through countless 3am rants flooded through his head. 

“Trust me, pal. You don’t wanna find out.”

“So,” the clerk said, “what can I get you guys?”

“Actually, we came to ask a question,” Vector replied. “We’re detectives and we’re workin’ on a case right now. Did anyone come through here late last night and order a vegetable sandwich? It’s for the investigation.”

The clerk thought for a moment before his face lit up. “Oh yeah! I don’t remember his name, though.”

“That’s gotta be him!” Sonic exclaimed excitedly. “Can you tell us anything else? What did he look like? Did he say where he was going?”

The clerk stared off into space for a moment, but shook his head. “Err, sorry, my memory isn’t very good.”

“Unsurprising,” Espio muttered bitterly. 

“I do remember him saying something about Angel Island and an Emerald,” the clerk continued. “A… Master Emerald, I think? Did this guy rob a jewelry store or something?”

“Worse,” Sonic snarled. “He slandered Sonic the Hedgehog, the fastest thing alive!”

The clerk shook his head again. “Sorry, never heard of him.”

Sonic was shocked speechless. His jaw dropped so comically far that it threatened to fall off his very face. 

“That’s gotta be Knuckles,” Tails said, choosing to ignore Sonic. “Would he really do something like this, though? I thought he grew out of his hating Sonic phase.”

“Only one way to find out,” Vector exclaimed, turning around and making for the exit. “Let’s head to Angel Island, boys!”

___

The crew disembarked from Tails’ extremely cramped plane after making a heavy landing on Angel Island. Angel Island was a levitating island, so the only way to reach it was via plane. Unfortunately, Tails’ biplane was only built to seat one, plus Sonic standing on the front. It was a miracle they managed to take off at all with someone the size of Vector squeezed in. 

The green crocodile tumbled out of the biplane and crashed to the ground. 

“That was way too tight a squeeze,” he gasped, rubbing his bulbous stomach. “I coulda suffocated.”

“You can breathe in space but a tight fit is what gets ya, huh Vex?” taunted Sonic. The blue blur was standing over Vector and grinning smugly, as he stood on the exterior of the plane for the entire ride. 

“Hey, gimme a break!” Vector retorted. “Need I remind ya about water?”

Sonic gulped. 

Tails floated out of the cockpit and landed gently in front of Vector, followed by Espio and Charmy, who landed far less gracefully. 

“Come on, let’s go talk to Knuckles,” Tails said. 

Angel Island was not a huge island. The naked eye could see from one end to the other completely unobstructed, and it would make a short walk to traverse it. This made finding the Master Emerald shrine even easier. 

“Hey, what’s the big idea, Knucklehead?” Sonic said, storming up the stairs of the shrine to where he knew the red echidna would be. After finally reaching the top, he angrily pouted for a moment and looked for his friend, only to find him fast asleep on top of the Master Emerald itself. 

“Should we wake him up?” Espio asked. 

Charmy shrugged. “I dunno, he looks awfully peaceful.”

As if in response, Sonic not-so-gently nudged the sleeping beauty. 

Knuckles awoke with a start. 

“Wha- Hey!” he cried as he scrambled to his feet. “What’s the big idea Sonic? What are you even doing here?”

“Heya, Knuck-o” Charmy excitedly exclaimed.

Sonic smirked mischievously at his red rival. “Sleeping on the job? Out late last night, Knux?”

In response, Knuckles yawned. “Yeah, I was out all night.”

“What were you up to all that time?” Tails asked, stepping forward. 

Knuckles’ eyes narrowed, shifting between Sonic, Tails, and the Chaotix. 

“You guys cops?” Knuckles asked, gesturing at Vector. “I know my rights.”

“We ain’t here to arrest ya, if that’s what yer askin’,” Vector replied. “Just wanna ask you some questions.”

“You sure sound like cops,” Knuckles muttered. 

Espio decided to get straight to the point. “You were doing graffiti last night, correct?”

Knuckles looked away and snarled. “What, you gonna haul me in if I say yes?”

“Like Vector said, we’re just here to ask questions,” Espio replied. “We don’t have the power to arrest you even if we wanted to.”

Knuckles looked back at Espio, this time smirking. “Then yes, I was doing a little graffiti last night. There was a message I needed to get across.”

“Wow, that’s so cool!” Charmy exclaimed. Vector shoved him aside. 

Sonic chuckled. “Seems you’ve still got a bone to pick with me, eh Knux?”

Knuckles flexed his muscles in response. He looked away defiantly and pouted. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied. 

Tails stepped between the two to mediate. “Hey guys, let’s calm down a bit, okay? We’re all friends here.”

“Well, it seems my so-called friend here is lookin’ for a fight,” Sonic retorted. “What was it you wrote, pal? Sonic sux?”

“Yeah, I did,” Knuckles snarled in response. “But only someone with your ego would think that I was talking about you.”

“Wait, back up,” Vector butted in, stepping forward and physically moving Sonic and Knuckles apart. “You said you weren’t talking about Sonic, but you wrote “Sonic sux”. Who were ya talkin’ about then?”

Knuckles rolled his eyes and pushed Vector’s huge hand off of him. “I meant Sonic the drive-in restaurant. They keep messing up my order, so I had to get the message out.”

“Yes!” Espio exclaimed with more enthusiasm than anyone had ever heard from him. “Finally, someone that gets it!”

A confused silence hung over the group for a moment as everyone gawked as Espio. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Knuckles cautiously replied. “That’s why I went to that sub shop in Station Square. I doubt they’d ever mess up someone’s order there.”

Espio felt as though he was about to implode. 

Choosing to ignore Espio, Vector turned back to Knuckles. 

“Who’s Kit?” he asked abruptly. 

“That’s me, genius,” Knuckles sarcastically replied. “I just admitted it, remember?”

Espio couldn’t find a word to describe the emotion that crossed Vector’s face, but he could tell that a lot of dots were connected in that moment. 

“But why Kit?” Tails asked. 

“My initials are KTE,” Knuckles told him as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Kit is just a derivation of that.”

Tails figured that made sense. He simply shrugged. 

“You guys done here?” Knuckles continued. “I’ve got an emerald to guard, and it needs my attention.”

Sonic snorted. “You could do that in your sleep, Knux. And apparently, you do.”

Vector decided to step in before Knuckles could escalate the situation even further than Sonic already had. 

“Alright Knuckles, we’ll leave ya alone,” he calmly said. “Just be careful in the future. This ain’t exactly legal, and if we can track you down then you can bet the cops can too.”

It was Knuckles’ turn to snort. “Kit’s been around for a long time. I’ve avoided the cops for this long, and I won’t be slipping up now.”

As if on cue, a black blur slammed into Knuckles side, causing him to yelp in surprise. In the blink of an eye, Knuckles was pinned to the ground by Shadow the Hedgehog. 

Shadow the Hedgehog pulled a badge of authority and shoved it in front of Knuckles’ startled face. 

“Knuckles the Echidna, you are under arrest,” Shadow growled. 

Knuckles was panicking now. “Under what charges?”

“Tax evasion,” Shadow replied. 

Everyone seemed taken aback. Vector coughed and looked at everything except for the scene in front of him, hoping beyond hope that Shadow would not decide to grill him about tax evasion next. He had a lot to hide on that front. 

“So, this isn’t related to vandalism?” Tails asked. 

Shadow slapped a pair of handcuffs onto Knuckles. “I work for the IRS, Tails, not the police. I don’t even know what vandalism is.”

“Tax evasion?” Knuckles finally cried out. “How is that a crime?”

“You gotta pay your taxes, dude,” Sonic replied. “If you don’t, the IRS will be after you.”

Knuckles was perplexed. “I... _have_ to pay them? I thought they were just an optional donation!”

“Tell it to the judge, pal,” Shadow growled, leading Knuckles away from the scene in chains. The Chaotix and their two guests watched, very confused, as Knuckles was hauled off to IRS jail.

“That was weird,” Charmy said, being the first to break the silence that followed. 

“Nah, I saw that comin’ from a mile away," Vector replied, relieved that he was not arrested as well. 

While Tails seemed worried, Sonic on the other hand looked positively exuberant. 

“Everything alright, Sonic?” Tails asked. “You seem oddly happy.”

Sonic turned to face his best friend, a new vigor reflected in his eyes. All his anxieties seemed to have melted away. After all, he no longer had to endure his name being slandered, or to have to battle a new, unseen enemy. 

“Don’t worry about it, bud.”


	9. Organizing For Chaos

The sun was setting on the Chaotix Detective Agency. The last rays of the day streamed through the window, illuminating dust in its path, it’s orange light creating the illusion of an office engulfed in flames. It would have been very peaceful if Vector did not choose that exact moment to abruptly kick open the front door with panic in his eyes. 

“BATHROOM!” he cried, bolting into the agency at a speed that Espio and Charmy never knew he could reach. Vector had already dove into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him when his two partners calmly followed him into the office. 

“Come on, man!” Charmy whined, examining the door. “I just fixed the lock on this thing!”

“Vector broke it this time,” interjected Espio, poking his head next to Charmy. “It’s on him to fix it.”

Charmy pouted. “I didn’t break it last time but I still had to fix it!”

Espio chose to ignore him. Instead, he entered the office and put his bag down. This bag was of the utmost importance to them, something irreplaceable. Within it was contained their payment for today’s case.

“Maybe now we can finally afford a new TV,” Charmy suggested, gesturing at the old CRT TV in the corner of the room. “The newest video games can’t even hook up to it!”

“It’s not as though we could afford those either,” replied Espio. “Besides, I like the retro stuff better.”

“That’s because you’re a weirdo!” jeered Charmy. 

“Lay off him, would ya Charmy?” Vector piped in, finally exiting the bathroom. “Wow, we got all this, huh?”

Vector bent down and scooped up the bag of cash with only one hand, scrutinizing it closely. 

“It’s a lot, boss!” Charmy replied. “I’m not sure where Big gets this sort of money, but he seemed pretty grateful to get Froggy back again!”

Espio shook his head. “I myself am quite grateful that he loses his frog so often. At this point, the majority of our income is coming from him.”

“That only means we need to expand our customer base,” Vector replied, handing the bag back to Espio. “Go put this in the bank. There’s no telling what kind of thieves may be- AAAAAGH!”

“Waaaaah!” Charmy cried in response to Vector’s sudden exclamation, despite having no idea why the Chaotix leader was yelling to begin with.

“Speak of the devil,” said Espio, following Vector’s gaze. 

A small figure was hanging upside down from the ceiling, equal parts menacing as she was charming. It was none other than Rouge the Bat, whose presence was completely unexpected for the three detectives. 

“Long time no see, boys,” she said with a flirty wink, still hanging from the ceiling. 

Cautious, Espio clutched the bag of cash closer to his chest. Even with his ninja reflexes, Rouge was in such a position that he may not be able to dodge a direct beeline for their newfound riches. 

“Hi Rouge!” Charmy cheerfully replied. “What are you doing on our ceiling?”

“And more importantly, how’d ya get in here?” Vector yelped. 

In response, Rouge giggled. “A good thief never reveals her secret.”

“She came in through your window, Vector,” Espio muttered to his friend. “You left it open again.”

“It was to vent out my bedroom!” Vector growled under his breath. “Ya know how it gets in there.”

Charmy pinched his nose teasingly. “Yeah, I can smell it from here.”

“Can it, Charmy!” Vector shot back, his voice still lowered. 

Rouge seemed to notice Espio clutching his satchel tighter, because she spoke up about it. “Relax, Espio. I’m not here to rob you guys.”

All three Chaotix exchanged a skeptical glance. 

“A thief broke into our agency, and… isn’t planning to rob us?” Espio asked.

“The opposite, in fact,” Rouge said, gracefully dropping to the ground and onto her feet. “I’m here to hire you!”

A stunned silence hung over the group. Nobody seemed to be able to find the right words. 

Finally, it was Charmy who voiced the trio’s thoughts. “You coulda just knocked on the front door, you know.”

Rouge only giggled in response. 

\----

“So lemme get this straight,” Vector said. “A treasure hunter is hirin’ a detective agency to… hunt treasure for her? Am I hearin’ that right?”

Rouge nodded and smiled mysteriously. After the Chaotix had sat down with the thief to discuss the specifics of her case, they quickly found themselves questioning her intentions. After all, the wall of mystery that surrounded her was nigh impenetrable, and her true motives were murky at best. Even Espio couldn’t tell what she was thinking most of the time. 

“And to further that,” Espio added, “you want us to hunt for it… in your own house.”

Once again, she only nodded and smiled. Espio quivered. That bat terrified him more than he would ever admit. 

“And to top it all off,” Charmy finished, “you can’t look for it yourself?”

Rouge’s calm masking simper never faded. “Bingo! A world class treasure hunter like me has bigger fish to fry, you know.”

Another silence hung over the group. All three Chaotix seemed to be surveying Rouge with suspicion, hoping she would lower her guard long enough for one of them to be able to read her. Unfortunately for them, she didn’t.

This time it was Rouge who broke the silence, withdrawing another satchel that was clearly full to the brim with gold and jewels. “Of course, I’ll pay you handsomely once you find my treasure.”

“We’ll do it!” Vector immediately replied. Charmy and Espio seemed taken aback. 

“Boss,” Espio said, nudging Vector’s scaly midsection. Can we really trust her to uphold her end of the bargain? This could be a bluff.”

Once again, Rouge giggled. “Don’t be silly, Espio. You can trust me. As soon as you find my treasure, this bag full of gold and gems is all yours!”

At this point Vector was practically drooling. 

“And who’s to say you won’t double cross us?” Espio questioned. “I still haven’t forgotten the time you tricked us into robbing a high-security G.U.N. vault and didn’t even pay us afterwards.”

“Yeah!” Charmy added. “You told us the thrill of thievery was the best payment we dream of!”

“Come on, guys,” Rouge said. “I’m your friend! I wouldn’t double cross you. I’m even specifying a cash payment this time, so you don’t have to worry about being paid in experience again. Even though I thought the thrill of the heist is one the greatest payouts you could ask for.”

“It is true that you didn’t specify you would pay us in cash last time,” Espio conceded. Charmy couldn’t do anything besides nod in agreement. She got them good. 

“Sounds like a pretty good deal!” Vector suddenly cried, hoisting Espio in one arm and Charmy in the other.    
The two Chaotix hung limp like ragdolls as Vector squeezed them until they could barely breathe. They had known Vector long enough that there is no resisting Vector when he gets excited over the prospect of money.

“So,” Vector said, unceremoniously dropping his partners to the floor. “What are we looking for?”

The mysterious treasure hunter chuckled coyly. “When a keen sense for money like yours, Vector, you’ll know it when you see it.”

That was all it took to win Vector over. Sometimes it baffled Espio how easily that crocodile could be swayed by money. 

“Good enough for me!” the Chaotix head honcho exclaimed. “Off to Rouge’s house!”

\----

After navigating an unusually complex cave system, the gang finally arrived at Rouge’s house. The bat took the lead, entering her house first and politely holding the door open for her new associates. 

Vector’s huge mouth fell open immediately upon entering. The place was a disaster. He didn’t think it was even possible to be this messy. Mountains of junk were piled up high in every room. The sheer amount of stuff contained in this one abode was staggering. Even Espio wasn’t prepared for what they encountered. 

“Damn bitch, you live like this?” Charmy said to Rouge. 

Before she could even begin to formulate a response, Vector had snatched the bee out of the air by the head. Charmy flailed as Vector pulled him in close to his face.

“WHO IS TEACHIN’ YA THESE THINGS, YOUNG MAN?” he roared. “EH? IS IT THAT TWITTER THING YA KEEP TALKIN’ ABOUT?”

“He picks up all his bad habits from you, Vector,” a completely unfazed Espio pointed out. 

“Fine, you’re off the hook this time,” Vector conceded, releasing Charmy. “But you’re on thin fuckin' ice, kid.”

Espio wasn’t sure why he even tried.

“Don’t let Vector stop you, Charmy,” Rouge said. “Saying bad words only makes you more adorable!”

“Hehe, I try,” Charmy replied. 

“And to answer your question,” she continued, “I mostly stay on the ceiling. I  _ am _ a bat, remember?”

“Ah, I see,” Vector said thoughtfully. “So you musta dropped a valuable jewel into one of the piles of junk on the ground, right? And ya didn’t see where it went?”

Rouge sorrowfully shook her head. “I didn’t notice it was gone until I had been around my house a few times.”

“So it could be anywhere,” Espio muttered, surveying the piles of rubbish that looked like sand dunes in a desert. 

“Well boys, we’ve got our work cut out for us,” Vector announced. “Let’s get to it.”

“And I will leave you to it,” Rouge replied. Without another word, she ducked out of her door and exited the building. 

“What have we gotten ourselves into this time?” Espio asked nobody in particular. 

\----

Hours had passed by with no sign of Rouge’s jewel anywhere. The Chaotix had quickly come to the conclusion that the only way to sort through all the junk was to clean and organize the entire house. Cluttered and disorganized piles of junk became orderly and organized piles of junk as the Chaotix toiled at their gargantuan task. No matter how much they cleaned, it seemed as though there was almost more left to go.

“Charmy was right,” Vector murmured to Espio. “How does this broad live like this?”

Espio shrugged. 

“Guys, I think I found it!” Charmy exclaimed, calling his partners to his location. Traversing the junkyard of Rouge’s living room was no easy task, but the prospect of an end to their labor pushed them to cross it in a matter of seconds. 

Charmy pointed through a small crack underneath a pile of baubles and shiny objects at a sliver of red. 

“Is that a Chaos Emerald?” Espio asked, finally realizing why this task was such an important one. 

“Only one way to find out,” Vector replied. “Let’s clean this pile up.”

Soon, the three Chaotix had cleaned everything in their path, leaving a single cardboard box between them and their target. All three of them leaned over dramatically to get a closer look. 

“You think this is it?” Charmy gasped. 

“The source of all our troubles,” Espio growled. 

Vector guffawed. “Come on, Espio. The source of all our troubles is money. Let’s not be so dramatic. This is just a-”

Vector lifted the box and immediately shrieked in terror. A disheveled, wide-eyed red echidna was sitting curled up under the box, snarling up at them. He smelled like he hadn’t bathed in weeks.

“Put it back!” the figure hissed.

“Knuckles!?” Vector exclaimed once the initial shock wore off. “What in the hell are ya doin’ here?”

“I said put it back!” Knuckles gnarled again, snatching the cardboard box out of Vector’s hand. “Those IRS goons will never find me here!”

He chuckled maniacally. 

“Life on the lam, huh?” Espio said calmly, as if he wasn’t fazed by this at all. 

“Sounds thrilling!” Charmy added with a backflip and a thumbs up. 

Vector’s eyes darted between his two partners and Knuckles in utter disbelief. “Why am I the only one who realizes how messed up this is?”

“Normalcy is relative, Vector,” a surprisingly lucid Knuckles pointed out. “If you begin to expect the unexpected, the abnormal becomes the normal.”

“Well put, Knuckles,” Espio replied. 

With a curt nod of the head, Knuckles pulled his box back over his head in a frenzy. 

Vector sighed. “Back to square one I guess.”

____

Soon, the detectives had combed every corner of the house. It actually ended up quite clean. All her junk and clutter was tidied up, sorted into boxes, and tucked away neatly. Through all of that, there was no sign of any gemstones. That in itself was peculiar for a home they knew belonged to Rouge.

“Did we mess up?” Espio said. “We didn’t find anything.”

“Maybe we should do another sweep,” Charmy suggested. 

Before Vector could give them an order, another voice rang out from above them. “That won’t be necessary.”

“AAAAAGH!” Vector yelped once again as he looked up at the ceiling and saw Rouge hanging directly above them. 

“Waaaah!” Charmy cried in response. 

“To sneak up on a ninja takes some skill,” Espio said, his defenses raised. 

Rouge chuckled and gracefully fell to the ground, landing on her feet. 

“You really need to quit doin’ that,” Vector said, regaining his composure.

The bat ignored them. Instead, she glanced around the room. 

“My, you guys really did a number on the place,” she observed. “Find anything?”

Espio shook his head grimly. “We’ve turned up nothing thus far.”

With a sly smile, Rouge waved her hand dismissively. “Oh well. Perhaps some things were simply not meant to be found, wouldn’t you agree? Let’s call it quits.”

Charmy seemed taken aback. “Wait, that’s it?”

“We haven’t even found the gem yet,” Espio said. “You’d spend money for only half a service?”

Rouge very obviously feigned surprise. “Money? What on earth are you talking about?”

The chameleon’s eyes narrowed. “You  _ did  _ promise to pay us. Are you going back on your word?”

Her sly smile returned. 

“I said I’d pay you if you found my treasure for me,” she said, gesturing around the room, “but as you can see there’s no gem here at all! Clearly, you three failed to find it.”

“That’s not fair!” Espio snapped back. “We did all this work for you. The gem isn’t here, so there’s no way this case would have been solvable. You owe us that money, Rouge.”

“Do I?” Rouge teased. “That wasn’t part of our agreement.”

Vector groaned. “She got us good.”

“If you had specified your terms better, we wouldn’t be here,” Rouge giggled. “Lesson learned, right guys?”

“You tricked us into cleaning your house!” Vector growled. 

All three of them weren’t sure if they were more angry at Rouge or at themselves for not seeing this coming. 

“Come on, boys,” he said, already making for the door. “Let’s get out of here.”

The two other Chaotix quickly followed him as Rouge watched them exit, satisfied with what she had accomplished. 


End file.
